12 things you should never say to your partner

Did you know that telling someone to ‘calm down’ during an argument might just make it worse, or bringing up past mistakes in a discussion could shut it down completely? It can be hard to navigate tough conversations, especially the ones we have with our partners, so we asked relationship experts what phrases we should avoid to prevent arguments and encourage deeper, more fruitful talks. 

I was sitting on my sofa having coffee with my situationship when he made a comment that changed everything. We’d spent a lovely morning together when he mentioned that he’d told his friend about me. 

“Really, what did you say?” I asked, my curiosity piqued.
“I told him you’re great, but your nipples are weird,” he said.
“Sorry, what?” I replied, my brow furrowed.
“I told him you’ve got these two little holes and it looks like you don’t have nipples.” 

As we all know, nipples and boobs come in all different shapes and sizes – and some people don’t have nipples. Not that it’s anyone’s business, but my nipples are pretty standard; they’re just pale because I’m fair-skinned. But that wasn’t really the issue here: this man was openly discussing an intimate part of my anatomy with someone who was a complete stranger to me. Not only that, but his comments seemed to be an attempt to make me feel insecure about a part of my body that I happen to like.

“I love my boobs,” I told him. “And I don’t need any new insecurities, thank you.” Things ended pretty soon after that.

In that moment, it struck me how unacceptable it was for someone who I’d been at my most vulnerable with – who I’d shown my naked body to – to choose to break that trust and discuss private details about me with his friend. One minute I was having a dreamy morning, the next moment alarm bells were ringing. As I mulled over what had just been said to me, it dawned on me just how important it is to choose our words wisely in relationships. The way we speak to each other (and about each other) is central to the wellbeing of our connection.

No matter what stage of a relationship we’re in, our words matter. Even when we’re speaking in the heat of the moment or we’re just ‘having a laugh’, what we say can impact the other person. While communication is important, it’s important to know how to go about difficult conversations – whether reasoned debates, tense disagreements or requests for changes in behaviour – with a partner without saying something deeply wounding or even relationship-ending?

To help you navigate tough conversations, we asked four therapists to explain which comments you should avoid saying to your partner if you want to have fruitful and productive discussions.

“You look ridiculous in that” 

Body shaming and denigrating your partner’s appearance can be a form of emotional abuse, explains Dr Gisele Caseiras, a psychotherapist from counselling and coaching service Likeminds. “Many people struggle with body image issues and comments like this might exacerbate this feeling, even if they have been dormant for a while.”

These kinds of comments can feel like a violent attack and erode feelings of trust and safety, she adds. “Try to focus on specific actions or behaviours that are driving your concerns, rather than attacking their appearance.” 

Throwing the blame back at them

Hearing that your actions have caused someone emotional pain is not a comfortable feeling to sit with. Defensiveness might come easily, as may placing the responsibility onto the other person. But, sexologist Alexa Andre says we should avoid shirking accountability and redirecting blame onto partners when they come to us with something that has hurt or bothered them.

“Throwing blame back at them can look something like this: your partner brings up something that bothered them, and instead of validating their feelings, you start naming things that have bothered or hurt you,” says Andre. Similarly, if a partner talks to you about something and you respond in a way that absolves you of any blame, it can result in the partner feeling wrong for raising issues. “We need to validate feelings and learn to take accountability even if it wasn’t our intention to hurt,” says Andre. 

If a partner repeatedly redirects attention onto themselves during disagreements and frames themselves as a victim, this could be part of a pattern of abusive behaviour.

“You are not as hot as you think”

In the fifth episode of the recently released TV adaption of Jilly Cooper’s Rivals,  the character James Vereker makes a comment not dissimilar to the above when his wife, Lizzie, starts flirting with him while she’s helping him prepare for his interview with Margaret Thatcher. “Please don’t. You’re not 26 anymore,” he tells her.

Shaming your partner for embracing their sexuality is disrespectful and can damage the relationship, says Dr Caseiras. “Even if it is meant to be conveyed as banter or a joke, this could really hurt your partner’s feelings. Instead of making negative comments about your partner’s appearance or sexuality, focus on uplifting them and expressing your love and appreciation. If you find it difficult to feel this way about your partner, it may be a good time to rethink why you are together,” she adds

Personal attacks

Name-calling and character assassinations are never productive. As Dr Caseiras says: “Insulting or personally attacking your partner can feel like a violation and will break their trust in you and in the relationship.” This behaviour is destructive because it harms your partner’s self-esteem, says Dr Caseiras, and it can create resentment and make it more difficult to solve conflict. “Personal insults and attacks can lead to emotional abuse. Instead of insulting or attacking, try to take some time to cool off during an argument and then express your feelings (using ‘I’ statements’ instead of ‘you’).”

Threatening the relationship

Threats like “maybe we should break up then” or ultimatums like “if you loved me, you’d do xyz” are a manipulation tool, says Dr Lalitaa Suglani, a relationship psychologist at eHarmony. “This will not solve the issue at hand and instead instils fear or resentment into the relationship.

“When conflict arises, focusing on open communication rather than ultimatums strengthens both the relationship and the sense of respect between you. This may take a few days and does not have to be resolved there and then.”

Using ‘never’ and ‘always’ statements  

You shouldn’t attack your partner by making generalised disparaging statements about their character, says Gigi Engle, a psychosexual therapist and sex expert at dating app 3Fun. “For instance: ‘You never clean up the dishes. You’re so lazy.’” 

Instead of making sweeping statements about them that begin with “you always…” or “you never…”, Engle suggests a better communication strategy for bringing up issues with a partner’s behaviour. “Focus on how your partner’s behaviour makes you feel,” she says. “So, that way you’re making the statement about yourself and how it’s impacting you, rather than attacking their character, which will lead to them being defensive.” 

For example, in response to someone not pulling their weight when it comes to housework, Engle suggests you might say: “When you don’t clean up, it makes me feel like you don’t care about our home and it really hurts my feelings.”

Bringing up past hurts 

No one wants to feel like their loved one is keeping a mental catalogue of all the times they’ve been wronged. That’s why Andre advises against bringing up problems from the past when you’re discussing a current issue. 

“It happens when you’re having a discussion about something in the present and one partner (usually the one being ‘accused’ of something) will say ‘OK, but I’m still mad about you lying to me two months ago. And last Christmas when you said xyz,’” says Andre. “If you’re not over it, talk about it another time, but don’t use it just to escalate present arguments.”

The silent treatment

Giving your partner the silent treatment by not speaking to them is passive-aggressive behaviour and isn’t productive when addressing conflict in a relationship. “Even if you need space, communicate and let the other person know you’ll come back to them,” says Andre. 

Dr Caseiras echoes this: “It is OK to feel angry, sad or disappointed. If you find yourself feeling this way, be clear to your partner and tell them that you need some space to think about what was discussed, instead of withdrawing completely and leaving them wondering what is happening.”

‘‘Why can’t you be more like my ex?”

⁠“Comparing someone to past or other partners is pointless, and it doesn’t go well for anyone,” says Andre. Dr Caseiras agrees, adding that the impact of these comparisons can be destructive to a person’s self-worth: “This can harm their sense of individuality, damaging their reputation and relationships. Work on what your needs are, be clear about them and try to express them when you are not in an argument.”

Similarly, talking about your ex in a pejorative way, with statements like “she was crazy”, can be a red flag. “If you share negative thoughts about your ex, your partner may worry you will do the same to them,” says Dr Caseiras.

“You’re over-reacting” 

Telling your partner to calm down or that they’re over-reacting, particularly when they’re still mid-reaction, can make them feel like you’re invalidating their emotions, as well as making them feel unheard and unsupported.

As Dr Suglani explains: “This type of response, while it may seem minor in the moment, actually minimises your partner’s emotions and leaves them feeling invalidated, which can lead them to shut down or not trust you to support them with their emotions.” Ultimately, it could result in your partner seeing you as someone they can’t share their true self with.

“It’s fine” or “nothing is wrong”

Denying that there’s a problem, particularly when it’s very apparent that there is an issue, is a form of emotional withdrawal that can create tension, says Dr Suglani. Try sharing what’s really on your mind, even if it’s uncomfortable. Withdrawing from your partner can cause one partner (or both) to feel lonely or disconnected in the relationship. While shutting down in this way might be a coping strategy, it can create – or exacerbate existing – distance between you and your partner.

⁠Making love conditional

Telling your partner “If you loved me, you’d do this…” is a form of manipulation, says Andre. Ultimatums like these can form part of a pattern of controlling or emotionally manipulative behaviour. Setting boundaries rather than making demands is more conducive to healthy communication. Your love shouldn’t be conditional, and your partner shouldn’t be made to feel they have to jump through hoops to prove their affection for you. 

Though we’re often loath to admit it, conflict is part of all relationships. Navigating these disagreements with respect, open communication and accountability is key to making you and your partner feel safe and heard.

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